There is just no place like home, my mum always say that when I was a kid. I was always curious about the rest of the world and my mother understood the spirit that I carry with me. I want to be free to run to the ends of the earth to discover, to learn, to teach, to appreciate everyone and everything that cross paths with me. She always remind me that I shouldn't be scared to return home when my spirit gets weak, when the bright lights start to bore me and when I lost my way.
I left home with my dreams, to explore, to expand and for the next months that turn into years that's all I ever did. I grow and dream to journey beyond where I'm rooted. That's the sad thing about Tokyo, you never want to leave, theres just so many things to do and experience and before you know it you are entering your 30s then 40s. I was warned by a good friend once. He came to Japan around the same age I was when I came here. For the next few years life pass him by now in his 30s, it was 10 years later before he could wake up to the fantasy he was in.
Just recently I started having dreams about home, about leaving yet it seems too foreign now. I feel like I'm back at that crossroad when I took that leap of faith and head to Japan. This time Tokyo feels like home and Solomon Islands feels like a familiar foreign country where I have strong roots. I wonder and worry if I will be able to fit in, what about the climate, the food and the lifestyle. I suffer from anxiety, wondering if I will be able to find a Job. If my family will welcome me home, I worry that I will have nothing in common with my friends I left behind. What about my ex boyfriend? the one I split from because of the distance. I always try to calm myself by repeating the very same words my mum first taught me.
Even when my parents and friends advice me to remain in Tokyo I knew deep down my spirit died, its time to go home. " When you lost your way, don't be afraid to come home to me" and I lost my way. My compass drowned in this congested city, I stop appreciating little victories, simple things. I dream big, I dream foreign goods, I think different...I'm slowly loosing my values as an Islander. Now I understood what my mum meant about loosing ones way. She wasn't talking about being in trouble but she meant something deeper and I lost it. I lost my way and I start to dream but when I wake up my routine is hard to break so I jumped right back in. I speak the language, I eat the food, I bow and I remain humble when addressing my superiors. And just before I close my eyes to sleep I dreamt of home, of a place labelled hard, corrupted, underdeveloped, unsafe. A place I called home.
I went by the travel agent, he looked at me with those tired eyes showing me a travel plan for Guam, Peru and Hawaii. I told him no. I need a sign, a sign from God telling me where to go, how to go, when to go. I'm torn between 2 place I love the most. I'm torn between 2 lifestyle both with different price tags, should I sacrifice what I desire most for the next? I ask myself over and over and yet I'm too scared to decide.
My mum reassured me that home will always be there waiting but will she wait for me? will everybody wait for me? For now I can only dream of a place where I'm most at peace with God, his creation and my inner spirit and when I am awake I will look for something that will have a refreshing impact on my memories. If I cant find it in the crowd I will always go back where it all started....dream.
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